It Is Finished.

I just checked, and my last blog post was here, on September 24 of last year. That's some serious neglect, easily my longest ever. I can explain, really. Well maybe not explain, but throw down some excuses that you may or may not choose to accept. Anyway.

The big excuse for me not blogging is really this: I recently was involved in an atrocity called an intern year. There's a lot of mixed feelings still going on in my head about this. On one hand, I got to work with a bunch of cool people (interns, residents, attendings) and even learned some medicine in the process while meeting a few cool patients. On the other hand, basically everything else sucked.

I suppose it's relative. The most difficult aspect of any situation differs from person to person. Given two men who've lost their job, for example, one might feel an extreme loss of self assurance and self image derived from his lack of ability to care for his family. The other may find the sudden change in schedule and new job-finding duties incredibly jarring. For me, if there's any sense of waste or lack of purpose in a situation, I really can't deal with it for very long.

Well, was there a sense of waste in my intern year? Umm... well, actually I can't think of a better definition for an intern. Someone who perpetually cleans up messes others shouldn't have made.

There's a reason there really isn't an "intern" job description. You just do what everyone demands you do. A form "needs" to be signed at 3am? Well, I'll be right there. The patient's family wants to complain about the food? Well, I can do a whole lot about that, thanks for giving me a call.

I'm normally a pretty cheerful guy, but it really got to be too much. I started experiencing something that I've never experienced in my life: constant seething rage.

Sure I've been mad before. I just never have been this kind of mad. It's different.

First, I'm going to come right out and admit my lack of blogging (and lack of writing of any kind, really, including emails and such) was not a result of lack of time. I've used the excuse, of course, and the "spend the night at the hospital every 4th night working 30 hours straight" and the "one day off a week maximum" really didn't afford me a whole lot of leisure time, but I did have it.

No, time wasn't the main problem. You've noticed, of course, that when you're mad about something, it's hard to care about anything else. It's also essentially impossible to change the situtation when you don't even know that you're mad.

In other words, motivation to do most productive and/or useful tasks pretty much dropped out the window. For example, I just basically stopped planning out my week on Sunday, something I normally find extremely low-investment and high-yield; it used to be enjoyable most of the time and, failing that, at least I forced myself to do it. Nope. Completely stopped. Either I didn't see the point because I was working every day that week or I was so wasted I fell asleep looking at my Outlook calendar. There were definitely things I could have planned. Even working 80 hours and sleeping 56 (some of which were ostensibly supposed to overlap since I spent the night at the hospital 1-2 nights a week), that's 168 - 80 - 56 = 32 other hours I could have used for emails and blogging and all that stuff.

But lo, let us rejoice, for this is not a sad story, but a happy one. I am able to write this to you now because when the burden finally lifted on March 24th, and I returned home, after having spent the night at the hospital with minimal head-nodding-in-my-chair naps, I was able to fall upon my bed and begin the cleansing process.

There were two weeks between ending internship and starting radiology, and that was great, but it was less about the time off and more about the perspective change. I had a couple weeks off in December as well, but in the back of my mind during that vacation, I was just dreading the return, and all I could see ahead was more of the same. This time, after internship was all done, I would often sit in a chair and smile as I envisioned waking up and going to do something I really liked... I could feel the anger just diffuse out of me.

Although the anger went away, the bad habits are still dying down. The shortness and impatience with other people, something I developed subconsciously as a coping mechanism during internship, certainly didn't disappear overnight, and I think I'm still working on that. But, it's happening.

I'm doing radiology now, and it's tiring and there's a lot more reading/studying than there was during internship. But, I like it. Strange feeling, that. Right now I'm on a nuclear medicine rotation, which is pretty low-volume and high-teaching, and full of advanced physics and other nerdery that I eat up.

So I have both the motivation and time to tell you about it. No excuse, anymore. Which means: I'm back. At least for today.

What an Inspiration

I've really been moved by the horrible story of Byrd and Melanie Billings who were killed last week. They were well off and, instead of spending money on themselves, used their resources to adopt children - mostly those with special needs. They left 17 children behind. Our family had "special needs" thrust upon us. The Billings family volunteered to have their lives changed forever, to spend the rest of their days making a difference rather than enjoy the good life. Knowing what it really is like, I really can't fathom that decision, which makes me realize how far I still am from being Christlike.

May their family find healing and comfort.

Brother, Can You Spare A Hundred Million Dimes?

Wow, it's been a long time since our last post. Frankly, I've been kind of discouraged about posting, given the constant subject of thought and discussion in our household. But a lot has happened. I'll try to post about other things too.

We made a decision that we felt really good about and has been really good for Sonja. A couple weeks ago, we started her on very expensive 20-hour-a-week applied behavioral analysis (ABA) therapy. Some insurances cover it; ours does not, automatically, at least. We are in the process of applying and waiting and possibly appealing. But if it doesn't, we are getting some miraculous help from some amazingly generous people in our lives. Believe me, if we owned a house or car, we would sell it in a heartbeat. The best part, though, is that we are at peace. We know it's what she needs.

Basically, this therapy is very evidence-based and data-driven. Sonja has two therapists who work with her during the week and a PhD who assesses her once a week at our team meeting to set the curriculum for the following week. It's hard core, which is what she needs. They teach skills over and over until she gets it. Her physical imitation skills were basically nonexistent. The very first day she learned clapping by imitating. Two weeks later, she has generalized it by following the actions during song time in nursery (generalizing meaning she has been taught clapping and patting her head, but in nursery she was stomping her feet and doing other actions not explicitly taught her). She is imitating me more as well. I can't emphasize enough what a huge step this is - imitation is how children start to learn. She has also learned a lot of words, also through repetition (eg, several objects on the table and she has to "give me the spoon" or whatever they ask). She doesn't pass a skill until she gets it 100% two days in a row. Her verbal imitation is really good already, so it's just a matter of working on her language processing and teaching her to listen to each part of a sentence. She's learning English as a foreign language right now, basically. I wish we had done this sooner. But she's making really good progress. She loves it too, because she gets to watch Curious George and eat M&Ms as a motivator between tasks.

I've also added something from my old life back in - I'm going to a book group once a month and reading the books! Actually, I've never belonged to a book group, so I get a little too excited about it. I haven't read a book in like a year that didn't have the word "autism" in the title and suddenly I've read a book and two novellas. So exciting!

Natalia is imitating sounds and she understands and is trying to say "thank you," "again," and "all done." She points to Mom and Dad and says "Dada" for both of us. She will also twist her fat body back and forth when you tell her to dance and she will stop immediately when you tell her to stop. It's hilarious. It's also odd because, at almost 3, Sonja is also learning these skills, including pointing (it's taking awhile - her motor skills are behind) and following verbal instructions. I'm just glad both of my girls are progressing, albeit at different rates.

Very cute picture alert! (in no particular order)

Natalia's rule number 1: Mommy's pants are not a prize to be given up lightly.



Rule number 2: Mommy's finger is not a prize to be given up lightly. Actually anything to do with Mommy's personage is not to be let go of under any circumstances, especially hair or pinched bits of skin:



Sonja playing with playdoh again:



Natalia learning to walk after bath time:



Three cuties at the Lincoln Park Zoo:



Natalia the clown. She actually kept it on for about 3 second before taking it off:



This picture is blurry because I had to snap it quickly. When we offer her a spoonful of green beans or peas, she snaps into this tragic pose until she thinks the coast is clear. But it never is. We make her eat them anyway:



A meeting of the minds - sharing blades of grass. Check out that muffin top (on Natalia of course). We can't get any shirts to cover her belly, poor thing:



Sonja in Natalia's chair. After Natalia gets out, she gets in and requests the "seatbelt" to be put on. She is definitely jealous of the attention paid to Natalia at mealtime:



Natalia asleep. Her mean parents kept her up after 6:30:



Natalia loving attention from Grandma:



Chocolate face:



Sonja's first pigtails. This took me awhile, but she was pretty patient with me:



As mentioned before, Sonja likes to sit wherever Natalia sits:



Baby with Milk Jug: A Study